I am your masterpiece.
“For we are his handiwork, created in Christ Jesus for the good works that God has prepared in advance, that we should live in them.” -Ephesians 2, 10
Back in 2023, I was diagnosed with depression. Throughout my life, I had already gone through multiple dark periods; however, I had some of the worst episodes in 2023 and 2024. The diagnosis brought some kind of relief because it meant that what I was feeling had a root and was something that could be treated and worked on.
It was in 2024 when I decided to open up more to my family and closest friends about what I was struggling with. The sadness I felt gradually became a lack of purpose and hope, which then evolved into suicidal thoughts. It has been a rough and dark time and I knew that there were people in my life who wanted to be with me during those dark times, yet in those moments I could not think of anyone I could reach out to, not because they were not available, but simply because my head could just not see anyone I could talk to and seek help from. It was as if a dark cloud covered my eyes and mind and I just couldn’t see beyond the pain.
There was a particular day when I, for the first time, started to think about the “logistics” and I got pretty scared about it. I still couldn’t think of anyone I could talk to about this so openly, so I looked for some videos online trying to find someone who could give me hope. I found two videos that opened my eyes and uncovered two big lies that I didn’t realize I was believing at that moment. Praise be to God. The first lie was that I was a problem to my family and that I was doing them a favor by no longer being here. The second lie was that the pain ends after I end my life, but truly the pain is just transferred to the people you love and who love you. Hearing and truly recognizing this encouraged me to talk to my family and closest friends about what I was going through.
If you are going through something similar, please know that your life does have a purpose, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I promise you that the sun will come out again, that you will laugh again, that you will feel alive again. Please do not be ashamed to ask for help, you are so precious, so so precious, and you are meant to be here, alive. God has not left you orphan, God is not indifferent to this pain you are going through, God is right there with you, suffering with you, sustaining you, please believe this truth that he is fighting for you.
“Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you, I give people in return for you and nations in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you. -Isaiah 43, 4-5
Opening my heart to my family and close friends has been one of the most vulnerable experiences in my life. There were multiple times when I felt ashamed because “I didn’t have anything to offer” to them. I used to tell them “I can’t even offer you a smile or a joke right now. I’m sorry”. Yet they always received me with love, grace, and tenderness. They made it clear to me that they wanted to be with me because they loved me, not what I had to offer, not for what I “made them feel”. It was when I had nothing to give them when they loved me the most and when I realized that all these lies I believed of “not having anything good to offer” were no longer valid. I have my life to give, my time, my heart, my pain, even, to offer. And all of that is good. It was through the eyes of the ones who loved me that I recognized myself as a gift for the first time. These people, my family and my friends, prayed for me, listened to me, and accompanied me in my poorest, darkest, most painful moments. They were not scared, they were not scandalized, they did not make me feel ashamed, and they did not judge or criticize me, they just wanted to receive the gift I was, even though I felt like a burden.
Meditating on this has been part of my healing journey. I am loved for who I am. I am a gift. I am God’s masterpiece. This is the truth.
Hearing my friend tell me “I love you, you don’t need to ‘give me’ anything to love you” or my brothers telling me “I love you, not what you have to give us” made so evident an even bigger love: God’s. If they loved me in such a vulnerable moment, how much more God the Father would love me? How much more God the Father loves you?
You are God’s masterpiece. You are a gift. You are deeply loved for who you are. You are so good and you have your own life to offer. This is the truth.
Resources
I am not a doctor. From my experience, I’d like to recommend a few things If you are struggling with mental illness
- Talk to a therapist – ideally a catholic therapist
- Open up to people you trust: family, friends, mentors, etc.
- Talk to a priest and seek spiritual direction
- Renounce to the lies during confession. It always helped me to do so
- Find an activity that could help you process what you are feeling: painting, writing, playing an instrument, sports, etc.
- Receive the sacraments regularly and give all you can to remain in a state of grace
- Be not afraid, you are not alone. Truly. This too shall pass. Believe me. Hang in there, do your part and God will do his.
