*Disclaimer: this article includes content related to mental health, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I am not a doctor, therapist, or a specialist. I only share from my own experience.
Let me tell you a story.
Last year, I shared the picture below in my IG stories, which says “Milestone unlocked. I took the bus to run some errands on my own. It may sound like a small thing or something I was supposed to do a long time ago, but you have no idea how big of a deal this is to me. This meant: overcoming fears, getting out of my comfort zone, trusting, and being freer and more myself!” Taking the bus on my own felt like a huge deal to me (and it still does). But, to be honest, a part of me felt embarrassed to even celebrate something that can be “so small” in the eyes of others; however, I let myself feel excited about something I genuinely considered a milestone and that per se was also a win.
What people didn’t see though, were the multiple things I went through before and after that photo was taken. The photo was shared around May 2024. The year prior to it, I was diagnosed with depression. I was going through big changes in my life and I was going through a rough moment mentally and emotionally. Around May 2024, I was getting better and I decided to take the bus on my own, which is when I took the photo. But just 5 months after, I hit rock bottom – it didn’t matter if I had sunny and happy days weeks before, I was, once again, going through an internal battle, the strongest one thus far. By the end of 2024, I started to take antidepressants. I also started to develop so much anxiety and I barely got out of the house. I lived in fear all the time. My mental health was just getting worse every time. I honestly felt like life was getting harder year after year and that my mental health was just deteriorating.
I felt ashamed during this time. I thought I was a burden and I got to a point of losing hope completely – I thought there was no point being alive anymore. I was scared and I felt like my life was over. I truly didn’t see any solution to my problems, any light in the darkness, any reason I could hold on to. There was so much shame, guilt, darkness, loneliness, brokenheartedness, and hopelessness in my heart.
But I decided to do the bravest thing I could. I asked for help.
It is truly humbling to see how the people who love you will be with you even if you “don’t have anything to offer”… not even a smile. And I use quotation marks when I write this because you always have yourself to offer… even if it doesn’t feel like it, we can always give our broken, lonely, empty self. Trust me, the people who love us will see us with love and compassion, and not with pity. The truth is that, during my lowest points, my brothers and my closest friends were the ones helping me pick up my pieces because I couldn’t do it on my own. They listened to me patiently, they were present during my suffering, they hold me in their arms and in their prayers.
When we go through these dark times, we cannot get out of them alone. We cannot heal alone. We are not self-sufficient. We need others, we need help and there is no shame in that.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff comfort me.” -Psalm 23, 4
In those moments, when I let my loved ones into my pain, I hold on to the words they said to me (which I wanted to believe so bad, but I couldn’t, yet I hold on to them). They said: “Your life is not over. This is not the end. You will make it out of here and life will get better. You are not alone. I believe in you. I don’t love you for anything you do or give, I love you for who you are.” I didn’t “feel” like those words were true, but they gave me so much hope, so much strength… so I hold on to them.
Last week, I took the picture below, which says “Today, I had a date with myself. I took the wrong bus, walked more than I expected, I almost lose my lungs (kidding, but not completely :P), but I had a good time. The important thing: I am proud of myself!”. And man oh man, I indeed am proud of myself. I am also so grateful to my family and friends. It was all true: My life was not over back then. Things do get better. There is light after darkness. And God’s mercy is eternal and available to us now.
Between May last year and today, so many things have happened, I’ve made so many decisions, I’ve accepted others… I have learned that the only way out is through, as a dear mentor of mine taught me. There is no avoiding pain and trauma because it will come kick you at some point. There is no ignoring wounds because it will hurt and break you at some point… or it will get you to a point of desperation. The only way to heal is going through the pain, the discomfort, the suffering, the burning feeling, the I-can’t-anymore-feeling, but YES YOU CAN. Of course you can. It’s no coincidence that you have made it this far. You… YOU were made for great things. Let me remind you now that your life is not over. This is not the end.
During October last year and today, I spent hours in therapy, I joined a mentorship program, I sought help from my brothers and closest friends, I launched a website, I registered my first LLC, I let myself fall in and out of love, I made new friends, I started reading for fun again; I also cried, asked so many questions, wrestled so much with God, and failed over and over to my plans of working out; I have also had solo dates, and gone for walks (I still struggle with those haha). Not everything in my life has been resolved and not all wounds have been healed, and not everything has been smooth (it truly hasn’t), but I have anchored myself in God and my loved ones, I am still in therapy, I am doing things I’m scared about but that I know are good for me, and I have asked God for a miracle. And God truly cares about the big and the small things in our lives. If it’s important to you… believe me, it’s important to Him.
And if you are going through a dark season, let me tell you that this is not the end of your story. This is a chapter, a tough one, an important one, but not the last one. You and only you can write the rest of your story because you have the power to do so. It does not matter what you have done or what has been done to you, your story can have a different end than the one you have been forecasting for a long time. Life is worth living. There are so many people who love you. You are important. You are necessary. Your life has a PURPOSE! As a famous quote says “if it isn’t okay, it’s not the end.”
And truly, God is not indifferent to your pain. He knows you, He is with you, suffering with you, crying with you, and trying to look you in the eyes and whisper into your heart “I am here, my beloved, let me hold your hand. I have great plans for you. Let me guide you, trust in me. I know there is no apparent solution, but there is, there always is, just take my hand, keep your eyes on me, and let me show you how you are my beloved.”
“For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and no for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart.” -Jeremiah 29, 11-13
And today, my dear friend, I tell you:
Your life is not over.
This is not the end of your story.
You will make it out of here and life will get better.
You are not alone.
I believe in you!
You are precious, wanted, and loved, not for what you do or give, but for who you are.
Please know of my prayers for you.
With so much love,
Mari
