Have you seen those reels, shorts, or TikToks that go something like “♫ I can’t believe that it’s finally you, and me, and just us… and your friend Steve dududududududu Steve dududududududu Steve. ♫” Well, I recently realized that I’ve felt like Steve most of this last decade hahaha. Let me explain:
Around a month ago, I went out with two friends of mine who are a couple and while I was seated at the back of the car, I stared at them and I said in my heart “Lord, when will I stop being the third wheel?” I laugh a little now because of how fast I felt God replying back at that moment by saying “Maria, stop labeling yourself as a third wheel because you are not. You were not made to be a third wheel. If you think about it, isn’t it a good opportunity being a witness of the love of others? What if we change the words ‘third wheel’ for witness“? Even though my first impulse was saying “but when am I gonna be the main character, God?”, I stopped for a little and stayed open to what the Lord wanted to reveal to my heart. At that moment, I decided to change the label Third Wheel to Witness, or at least I wanted to try to change my perspective.
While I stayed open to what the Lord wanted to show me, a thought came to my mind: isn’t it an incredible opportunity becoming a witness of love, commitment, and hope in a world full of darkness, use, brokenness, loneliness, and lack of purpose? Isn’t it a privilege to be able to see in front row couples who love, respect, treasure, value, and choose each other? Isn’t it a gift to learn from those who are learning to love each other better and in a more freely, faithful, and fruitful way? And don’t get me wrong, of course the ache is real. The ache of being seen, known, chosen, and loved is REAL. It does not matter how many books I read, or songs I listen to, or how many friends I talk to, or how many projects I work on, or if I am in a relationship or not, I have learned that this ache in my heart will never be satisfied by people, things, or experiences. If you let me, I will tell you something you might not like to hear (if you are single or even in a relationship or married): the ache will not disappear in this world no matter how incredible and loving the person next to you is because this ache can only be fulfilled when you become one with the One who made you for Him.
O God, you are my God
it is you I seek!
For you my body yearns;
for you my soul thirsts,
In a land parched, lifeless,
and without water.
I look to you in the sanctuary
to see your power and glory.
For your love is better than life;
my lips shall ever praise you!
– Psalm 63: 2-4
I get it, we grew up watching romance and Disney movies where the sole purpose of the story was finding romantic love. Some of us are in a stage in life when our friends are finding the love of their lives, getting married and having babies. And let’s be honest: what a beautiful and profoundly sacred thing it is to be truly loved by someone and loving them in return – I’ve always considered this as something magical! It doesn’t happen “just because” or “out of nowhere”, you know? It’s a grace, it’s a gift, it’s a miracle, it’s a decision made freely, it’s an adventure that challenges us and expands our hearts to levels of love we never thought we could be capable of.
However, many of us are single and the temptation of seeing this stage in life as lame, boring, passive, and with a lack of purpose and meaning is strong! But let’s analyze this for a little, let’s challenge and ask ourselves:
- Am I really doing what I want to do in my life?
- Am I working on myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?
- What type of content am I feeding myself? Is it something I can see in front of anyone or is it something I must see alone and behind closed doors or I would feel embarrassed otherwise?
- Do I have any addictions that I am still not treating or seeking help for? Such as pornography, alcohol, masturbation, drugs, food, etc.
- Do I know myself? Do I accept myself? Do I love myself?
- Do I have hobbies of my own? What do I do with my life other than scrolling, sleeping, and working or studying?
- Are there any vices I need to work on, such as anger, lust, envy, pride, gluttony, sloth, etc.? Are there any virtues I need to practice and grow more on?
- Do I continue to excuse my bad mood?
- Do I still have a victim mentality, instead of taking responsibility and ownership of what I can do with my life?
- Do I expect someone else to make me happy and fulfill me?
- What are my priorities in life?
- Do I have a life of coherence? – Is what I do and think aligned to what I say?
- Is my life “on pause” because I believe I will truly start living until I meet someone?
- What are those things I would like to do and memories I would like to have during this season?
- Am I serving as much as I can? Am I generous with my time?
- Am I loving those who already are in my life?
- Am I keeping my eyes and heart open to the beauty and love that already is in my life?
- If I died today, would there be anything I would regret not doing or doing?
- Am I continuously growing emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually through books, the sacraments, spiritual direction, mentorship, and/or therapy?
I know these are A LOT of questions, but they are all worth asking. I would suggest you tackle one a day for the next couple of weeks and see how much you discover of yourself. It’s okay if most of those answers are not what you wish they were… really, it’s okay, it is a process. The important thing is to open our hearts and do something about it. Stop living this season as if you were in a movie theater watching other people’s lives unfold in front of you. On the contrary, live your life because it has a purpose, you are necessary, and the Lord has a lot for you during this season.
Now, let’s talk about the becoming a witness part. For this, I would like to share a special story:
I was recently talking to a dear friend of mine about how loved she felt with the baby showers that some of her friends prepared for her. She was expecting her baby girl and she and her husband were gifted beautiful baby showers from their friends. She told me that there was one in particular that pierced her heart and it wasn’t because of the celebration itself, but because of who gifted them the celebration: It was a baby shower prepared by a friend of her who has been in a fertility journey with her husband for a while. They both have had the yearning of having a baby, but it hasn’t happened yet. My friend was impacted and deeply moved by the generosity of this couple and so was I. And it made me think: how can someone celebrate in others the very thing they desire with all their hearts for themselves, yet have not been able to receive? Only love can answer this question. Even though they are not biological parents, they decided to become witnesses of those who were. Instead of removing themselves from those situations that have the capacity of making their yearning more piercing, they decided to be present and to gift themselves to others for love. Because when we start to compare our lives to others’ is when we lose peace and we grasp and we see everything that we lack, instead of everything that has already been given to us.
This opened my eyes to realize that we can feel like a third wheel in multiple stages in our lives: when we are single, when we haven’t gotten married, when we haven’t gotten pregnant, and so on and so forth. And as we all go through this at some point in our lives, we all are called to become witnesses of the love, grace, and beauty that already exists in our lives. So how do we do this? How do we become witnesses? We start by opening our eyes and being aware of the goodness, the joy, but also the suffering and the pain in others. We do so by appreciating everything that has already been given to us. We do so by truly seeing the other, not just superficially, but them – their whole, sacred, and unrepeatable person. We do so by asking for advise and learning from others. We do so by seeking good examples, people who can encourage us, guide us, walk with us. We do so by living one day at a time (and even sometimes one moment at a time), by staying in the present moment without guilt of the past and fear of the future. We become witnesses by celebrating the wins in other people’s lives, especially when they go through the very thing we long for and yet we don’t have.
So, my dear reader, I would like to encourage us all to stop labeling ourselves and others as third wheels because there is no such thing. Let’s live as witnesses of love and hope because life is too short and too beautiful to not do so.
Ps. We are not just called to be witnesses… stay tuned to Part II! 😉
With love,
Mari
