Dear Sister,
I would like to start by acknowledging your pain and saying that I am so sorry for what you are going through. Certainly, having our heart broken can be one of the most painful experiences we can go through. I would like to strongly encourage you to fully feel every emotion without minimizing or ignoring it. Today, I want to validate every single feeling/stage you may be going through: anger, sadness, fear, denial, acceptance, just to name a few.
My intention with this article is to let you know that you are not alone in this and that I’d love to accompany you in some way during your heartbreak and during this painful season. Please know of my prayers for you. While writing this article, I can’t stop but think about what the Lord would like to tell you in this moment. And to be honest, as I am writing this letter, I am also going through a heartbreak, so these words are for you and me.
If you were rejected or broken up with, I’d like to tell you that the fact that he doesn’t love you doesn’t mean that you are not worthy of love. And the fact that he didn’t choose you doesn’t mean that you are not already chosen. I know that this is easier said than done or believed, but it is the truth. It is always heartbreaking to feel rejected, but the end of this relationship is not the end of the presence of love in your life. The way that someone treats you is not a reflection of your dignity. Let me say this again, the way that someone treats you is not a reflection of your dignity. With so much compassion, I also want to tell you that it is our responsibility to walk away when we know that we are not loved, respected, and wanted. Doing this is painful, especially if we love this person – it will hurt a lot, but we deserve someone who loves us and chooses us, someone who treats us with respect and is proud and honored to have us in his life; someone who doesn’t take us for granted and wants to be with us in the good and the bad, not just when is convenient. It is truly more painful to feel alone while in a relationship, than feeling alone while being single. And for this reason and because you deserve to be loved, chosen, and cherished, I’d love to encourage you to not beg for love, to know your dignity as a precious daughter of God, and to see this as an opportunity to rediscover yourself, to learn from this experience, to ask for help when you need it, and to stay open to all the love that already is in your life.
If you are losing hope because you haven’t found the one, I’d like to tell you that I truly understand and know the deep longing of having someone who can hold us, see us, and love us. Our longing of being loved, seen, chosen, protected, and known is deep, real, completely natural, and good. It does have a purpose and it is a reminder that there is Someone capable of fulfilling it. However, if what we look for in a relationship is to be fulfilled, I’m afraid that we will be disappointed over and over again. Expecting someone to complete us is putting an unrealistic expectation on that person because, in all seriousness and with so much tenderness, I tell you that only God can fulfill the heart that He created for Himself – (I remember rolling my eyes when I heard this for the first time and the 2nd and the 3rd aaand the 4th… it took me a while to accept and believe this, but it is the truth). The truth is that our desires are God-sized, not fun-sized, not boy-sized, not man-sized… GOD-SIZED. You have so much love to give, please do not wait for someone to arrive in your life to start giving all the love you already have in you. Love your family, your friends, your co-workers. Love Jesus in the cross and in the desert. Love Jesus in the Eucharist and in your heart. Love Jesus in others and in yourself. Love yourself in such a way that you honor your life by giving it to others for love and in love. A life lived in love is never wasted. Never. And doing this doesn’t mean that the longing will go away because it will only be fully fulfilled in heaven. That is why is so important to bring our thirst to the only One who can give us the water that will truly satisfy us. Your longings are good, so good. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to share your life with someone else and desiring to love and be loved by a good person -actually, having this desire is completely opposite to all that: it is a beautiful reminder that we were created with his deep desire of giving ourselves to others and to receive others in our lives. This is good. You are good.
If the relationship ended because of mistakes you made, with so much compassion and love, I’d like to tell you that this is a huge and humbling opportunity to recognize what we could have done better, to open the door for an integrated healing of mind, body, and soul. This doesn’t make the breakup and the heartbreak easier, on the contrary, it can make it harder because it is so much easier to get over someone who has hurt us. However, I encourage you to have compassion with yourself (oh, how many times I have been told this and I’ve needed it every single one of them). Recognizing our mistakes is not always easy, but it shows maturity and growth. Use this opportunity to grow, to get to know you better, to continue to work on yourself. Please do not reduce yourself to your past and your mistakes. During this season, there can be a big struggle within ourselves, so please do not let the enemy make you believe that you are your mistakes because you are not. As St. John Paul II used to say “We are not our sins. We are the sum of the Father’s love for us.” Can I get an AMEN? AMEN! Ask yourself, what could I have done better? Is there any wound I need to surrender to God that needs to be healed? Are there any traumas I need to work on in therapy? Is there anything I need to learn and research more about so I can have tools to love the people around me better and more freely? Yes, it is important to recognize our mistakes, to ask for forgiveness, and to work on ourselves, so we can improve. But it is also necessary to be compassionate with ourselves, which is easier said than done, but isn’t this the beauty of the sacrament of reconciliation? It is the Father’s love, mercy, and forgiveness pouring out on us when we recognize our shortcomings with true repentance and a conviction to be better. I know this hurts a lot, but you are not your mistakes and you are not your past. You are worthy of love and respect. You are worthy of compassion and tenderness. And also, as a dear mentor taught me: it takes two to tango. There most likely might have been mistakes from both ends and not just yours, so let’s take accountability for our part and work on it, and leave on the other person what he needs to be held accountable for.
If you are currently in a relationship where the other person confuses you or where your heart gets broken over and over again, I’m so so sorry. Being in a constant emotional rollercoaster is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. And no, you are not crazy, you are not asking for too much, you do not have a “selective memory”, you are not being too sensitive. Being in a relationship with someone who constantly neglects and hurts you will do more damage than good in the end. And if there is any kind of emotional, mental, or physical abuse, I’d strongly encourage you to end the relationship and ask for help. The other person doesn’t need to be “loud” to be aggressive and abusive. And if you are not sure if the way he treats you is wrong and you believe you might be “exaggerating”, I’d invite you to talk to a close friend, a therapist, or a family member. Talk to them about this relationship, the way he treats you, how you feel, etc. I’d encourage you to be honest and vulnerable – someone who loves you might be able to see the red flags more clearly and help you see them and call them by name. You deserve to be loved, respected, protected. A dear mentor told me once that feeling lonely in a relationship is worse than feeling lonely as a single woman simply because relationships were not made for grasping, but for self-giving and love. Please know that you deserve to be loved, chosen, respected, and known. You deserve someone who is sure of what he wants, someone who shares your values and not just tolerates them. You deserve to be protected and seen. My sister, you were made for far greater things than settling for someone who doesn’t love you. You were made for a relationship where there is peace and genuine love, friendship, and support. Please do not rob yourself of the opportunity of having a healthy and holy relationship just for the sake of having anyone in your life right now… even if it means going through the pain, loneliness, and broken heartedness… in the future, as Jackie Francois says, it will be better to be happy and single, than miserable in a relationship.
In case it helps, I would really love to share with you some other lessons I have learned from my past relationship:
⭐ Longing to become a wife and a mother is a good and holy desire. However, it can be easily distorted if we make them our idols by believing that only when we have a boyfriend/husband and family of our own we will be happy and fulfilled. May God be our only God always.
⭐ Feeling lonely while being single is a thousand times less painful than feeling lonely while in a relationship.
⭐ The fact that there is not romantic love in your life doesn’t mean that there is not love in your life right now.
⭐ Love hurts because it demands from us to die to ourselves, our comfort, and selfishness. But love shouldn’t include any type of abuse.
⭐ It takes two to tango. It takes the two people involved in the relationship to make it work. If you are the only one pouring your heart out, working in yourself, making an effort, etc. then it is a one-sided relationship and those ones are not healthy.
⭐ Loving someone can be a strong motivator for us to work on ourselves. Love will inspire us to be better for the other person and also for ourselves.
⭐ The way that someone else treats you does not equate your dignity and worth.
⭐ Sometimes, the best wait to love someone is to give them the space they need. We are nobody’s savior.
My dear sister, please know of my prayers for you. God loves you, He really does. This season is not easy, it is painful and it sometimes feels like the pain will never go away, but it will. Please remember who you are: a deeply loved daughter, a wonderful, brave, good, resilient, smart, fun woman whose dignity is untouchable. And please remember who God is: a Father… your Father, who loves you and is always faithful, a Father who reminds us that we are not alone and who tells us to not be afraid. A Father who weeps with us and rejoices when we do. Let’s go one small step at a time. This too shall pass.
With so much love,
Mari
